Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Charm her Mind - Answered

Need some direction? Here are her suggestions on how to understand — and woo — women.
Q: What is the number-one mistake that men make when trying to impress women?

A:
When men feel insecure, they sometimes compensate by acting arrogantly or being grandiose. As much as bragging about your car, house or big bank account might initially get a woman’s attention, it will soon thereafter be a major turn-off. Women like confidence and security, but they know that when those qualities are real, a man doesn’t have to throw them around for show to impress anyone.
Q: What else would you warn men away from doing?

A:
Another thing healthy women find unappealing is when a man is too needy, i.e., grabbing for too much of her attention and affection. That kind of behavior communicates that there is not much else going on for him in terms of friendships or intimate relations.       

Q: But don’t many women want to be “needed” by men?

A:
Sure, but there’s a fine line between “needing” a woman and being “needy.” No self-respecting lady wants to be the man’s “everything” in life! It is simply too much of a burden — and an impossible one to fulfill. If you want to find a loving, well-rounded, happy female partner, you need to be loving, well-rounded, and happy on your own and in your own unique ways as a man.

Q: How much does a man’s physical appearance count in terms of charming a woman?

A: Women value men who take care of themselves, just as men admire the same quality in women. If he eats well, exercises, and takes a little time to think about what he is wearing, it shows he has self-respect and honors the body that was given to him. The subtext of this behavior is: “I like myself enough to present myself well and make sure I have the energy to live life to the fullest.”
Q: OK, what would you say is the one way a man can charm any woman? What’s his best bet on that front?

A:
First and foremost, nearly any woman loves an attentive man who values her thoughts, opinions, and feelings. You’ve probably heard it numerous times, but it’s the truth: Women want to feel heard and considered seriously by men. It’s not that a woman is just looking for someone to agree with her; she wants to know that how she approaches life has an impact on him, she she also wants to know that her ideas have been taken in and digested… hence, she matters and makes a difference in his life.

Q: May I play devil’s advocate and ask why then are so many women seemingly charmed by jerks?

A: Often, it’s a function of one’s personal psychology. Much of that kind of attraction has to do with being drawn to what hasn’t yet been worked out from someone’s childhood wounds or painful experiences. People are often attracted to the very thing that will bring up their old issues; it’s the wisdom of the unconscious pushing us to confront the things that need to be addressed and healed in our personal lives. In this case, the old “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse actually does come into play quite a bit.

Q: Interesting! Last question: There are some men that women are just instantly drawn to... what’s their secret?

A: There is nothing more magnetic to love than love itself. When a man loves his life, his friends, and his job, he is incredibly magnetic. Additionally, when he is as nice to the janitor as he is to the CEO of his company, he shows heart... and most women are always drawn to kind men; I believe it’s human nature. Ultimately, a man who is genuinely — and that’s the key: genuinely — attentive, considerate, kind and chivalrous will always be able to captivate a woman.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Why we fall out of love

We all know the delicious feeling of new love, but what about the flip side? Love doesn’t always last, and its retreat can leave us bewildered, confused or downright depressed.

Even if you were raised on a plentiful diet of fairy tales, you know that “till death do us part” can be a rare thing. Even staying with someone forever is no guarantee of experiencing lasting love. But why do people really fall out of love? Is there anything we can do to make love stay? Do some of us give up too easily? Here are the top three reasons why:-
  1. A distancing “Wave” can topple a good thing if you let it. “The ‘Wave’ occurs when we unconsciously push a caring and available person away by inwardly diminishing his or her worth.” “When someone is available and decent,” Page explains, “something inside us knows [this person] can get to our nest, our soul — the place where we care the most and can be hurt the most. And our unconscious gets panicked.” If you find yourself breaking up with someone awesome for no good reason, check yourself; you might be acting out of fear. After all, real love is a big deal. It involves a leap of faith, and that can be a scary thing. Those who give in to the Wave fall out of love before they even give themselves a chance to fall properly in love, and that’s kind of sad.
  2. Unwillingness to discuss relationship problems. OK, let’s say you’ve taken that leap and you’re in a long-term, committed relationship. Good for you! Now, don’t forget to communicate with your partner regularly. Guy Winch, Ph.D., author of The Squeaky Wheel:  says that people fall out of love because they don’t talk through their relationship peeves with each other: “Research shows that couples who are able to voice complaints well and discuss them productively have greater marital satisfaction and much lower divorce rates than couples who are unable to do so.” If you’re in a newer relationship, iron out the kinks early on to keep love alive over the long haul. “It is much easier to address issues earlier in a relationship than later, just as it is much harder to mold cement once it has dried and hardened,” explains Winch.

    The key word here, however, is “productively.” It usually doesn’t help to fight and blame your partner for all of the relationship’s problems. Dr. Fran Praver, author of The New Science of Love: How Understanding Your Brain’s Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship, says that “when couples play the blame game, they wage a war of being right where both parties lose. It may seem like a strong personality to insist on being right, but in fact ‘rightness’ is born out of rigidity and weakness, not strength.” Couples fall out of love when they can’t find a way to make the partnership good for both people involved. Creativity and open minds are the stuff of lasting love; silence and blaming, though? Not so much.
  3. People change or get bored with each other.  “Over time, people can change — or more often, they become who they really are. Someone who loved his steady business career may suddenly realize he always wanted to be a stand-up comedian and throw caution to the wind to chase his dreams.” People evolve; circumstances change — and sometimes, relationships can’t be sustained as a result. But if you really know your partner down to the core, the changes won’t be as shocking. “The kind of change that leads to love lost is always about a buried desire to be someone that’s repressed inside,” continues Masini. “It’s important to really know your partner to avoid this lost-love syndrome.” In other words, don’t neglect someone you care about. You cannot get to know a person thoroughly right away — rather, it’s a lifelong journey. There’s a whole universe inside the person you fell for, and if you don’t check in with that individual on a regular basis, you could wake up one day hearing this: “I’m unhappy. I’m moving to another country to start my life over fresh, and you’re not invited.”

    If you find yourself perusing faraway rental homes and thinking, “He’s changed!” or “I’m just so bored with her,” think about holding on and digging a little deeper first. “At a certain point in a relationship, according to Imago Couples Therapy,” says Page, “each partner feels that the thing they most need from their partner is the very thing that their partner can’t give. At that point, many people feel that the relationship has run its course and they leave. The reality, however, is much different. This can be the beginning phase of an entirely new level of intimacy, if they each decide to learn to grow and try to give that partner what [he or she needs most].”

    Then again, love doesn’t necessarily have to last decades (or a lifetime) to matter. Romantic relationships can also evolve into dear friendships — and that’s perfectly fine. Dr. Lissa Coffey, author of the book, Closure and the Law of Relationship: Endings as New Beginnings, agrees. “We may come together for a certain period of time to help each other learn and grow, and when that has been accomplished, we’ve gotten everything we were meant to get out of the relationship. Then it changes,” Coffey explains. “It doesn’t have to end; it’s just redefined.”

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Guide to Changing Your Thoughts to Shape the Life You Want

1. Make an appointment with yourself. Take a morning or afternoon off to think about your life. If this sounds scary to you, this is one of the first places to change your thoughts. This is fun. What you can dream, you can craft a plan to achieve. Find a quiet place with no distractions such as the library, sitting in your bed, or sitting in your car.

2. Daydream. During your appointment with yourself, think about areas in your life in which you want to make a change. Areas to consider:
  • Business/Career
  • Relationships
  • Finances
  • House & Home
  • Physical Health
  • Spiritual
  • Leisure
3. Write Your Dreams Down. Write out what you want to change. Maybe there is only one area you want to change. Don't feel like you have to change everything. But if there is something that could improve the quality of your life, write it down. Don't worry about whether it is possible. Assume that anything is possible.

4. The Action Plan. For your top changes, write out some rough plans about how you could achieve those dreams. Break down the long term goal into monthly, weekly and/or daily things you'll need to do to get there.

5. Mentors. Who else has done what you want to do? Who inspires you? What can you learn from that person or those people? How do they think? How do they handle challenges? Write it all down. Let that person serve as a guide to how you work towards your dreams. Seek out these guides even if it is simply by reading someone's book or blog. Ask for help and guidance. You'll likely be surprised to find that when you ask most people will try to find a way to help you. Lastly, remind yourself every day that if your mentor can succeed, so can you!

6. The Reminder Poster. Use your creativity here. The idea is to create a poster of which you can make several copies to hang in key places such as your bathroom, bedside table, kitchen, car and desk. On the poster (any size you want) list your Dreams, your daily action plan, and the thoughts you want to cultivate each day. You can include quotes or other inspiration from your mentors too.Of course feel free to add pictures, color, texture, whatever makes it powerful for you.

7. Gratitude. Take a bit of time each morning to really appreciate what you currently have in your life that is good. In the evening take a bit of time to review your accomplishments and learnings from the day, either in quiet meditation, in a journal, or with someone who supports you. It can be a nice ritual to create with either a spouse, your children, or other person who is important in your life.

8. Believe. Believe in the power of your thoughts. Here are some examples of how powerful a thought can be. All of these great achievements by humans started with an idea or thought in someone's mind.
Where there's a will there is a way. To build your will, build your mind through strong empowering thoughts daily. The people who had the thoughts that sparked these achievements listed above, did not let doubt get in their way. And neither should you!

9. Take Action. Your thoughts and plans need to be combined with action to create a result. The focus on your goals and dreams will provide the energy and motivation for taking action. If motivation is lacking, don't wait for it to appear. Take action first and then watch your energy and motivation blossom! Take action on your goals everyday. Make them a priority by working on your daily goals before doing the mundane things of life.