You Can Buy Happiness, but Not with Money

Many people today are struggling to make do with less. What's the secret to finding happiness when you're coping with loss? If we observe people who know how to be happy, we find that they make a point of being grateful for whatever they have. And it's not related to how much material wealth you may or may not possess. A growing body of research has demonstrated that grateful people are happier than their less-grateful counterparts, regardless of their income level.

Gratitude has also been found to be a powerful antidote to depression. Martin Seligman, PhD, a pioneer in the positive psychology movement delivered gratitude instructions to 50 severely depressed visitors to a self-help website. They recommended that individuals take time each day to write down three things that went well that day, and why they thought so. Fifteen days later, 94 percent of the 50 individuals reported feeling significantly less depressed. Their scores on a widely used depression inventory dropped by 50 percent -- equivalent to improvement seen with medication treatment or psychotherapy, although the latter interventions generally take longer to work. Individuals in a placebo-controlled group who wrote down three childhood memories each day did not experience an improvement in their depressive symptoms. More important, the effects for the group practicing gratitude lasted for a full 6 months. The researchers repeated the same study several months later with a different group of depressed Web users and obtained substantially the same results. Seligman's group also found that writing in a gratitude journal had a mood-boosting effect for depressed patients in a 12-week therapy group, as well as for patients in individual therapy.

Cultivating gratitude is a powerful way to overcome adversity and depression. By choosing to focus on your blessings, rather than ruminating on your disappointments and deficits, you nourish positive feelings about yourself, your life, and others. As an ongoing attitude, gratitude will help you cultivate happiness throughout your life. It is no accident that the individuals in Seligman's study maintained their gains long after they completed the online intervention. Gratitude is habit-forming. The number of things you can be grateful for is infinite. As a happiness resource, gratitude is free and inexhaustible.

There are many ways you can weave gratitude into the fabric of your life:

• Keep a gratitude journal. At the end of each day, write down three things you experienced that you feel grateful for. They could be as varied as the buds appearing on the trees in your yard and appreciation for the kindness extended to you by a stranger. As you chronicle the things you feel grateful for, make a point of not repeating any of the prior entries in your journal.

• Write and deliver a gratitude letter to someone in your life whom you have not properly thanked for what they have given to you. You can deliver the letter in person or read it over the telephone. It's a powerful experience, for you as well as for the person you're thanking.
• Say grace before each meal to express your thanks for the food you are about to eat.
  Use whatever language you're comfortable with, whether religious, spiritual, or just an informal expression of gratitude for the meal.
• Make a point of thanking anyone who serves you in any way -- the cashier at the checkout counter, your child for clearing the dinner table, the tech-support person who helped you fix your computer.
• Take gratitude breaks during the course of each day to simply appreciate the myriad blessings, large and small, that are present in your life.

Dating Mistakes to Avoid

You Wear Too Much Makeup - Doing so implies to a man that you may lack self-confidence. Looking good isn’t all about trying to achieve perfection. It isn’t about caking your face with so much makeup that you look like someone else. No man wants to wake up in the morning to find your makeup all over the sheets. Think: More confidence, less makeup.

You Check Your Phone Constantly - This is disrespectful to the man you’re on a date with. When your man is around, try to keep your smart phone addiction hidden. It makes you seem obsessive-compulsive when you’re always peeking down at your phone or you leave it out on the table. It’s annoying, and it makes him feel less important. Just throw it in your bag and enjoy yourself.

You Talk Nonstop About Work - There are more interesting things in life to discuss than how much it sucks to fill out reports every day. If all you can talk about is your job, that means you lead a very boring life and you won’t be much fun to hang around with.

You Don't Support Guy Time - Doing this will instantly make you appear insecure and controlling. Whoa there, missy. You’re messing with one of the sacred man rituals now. It’s a necessity, not an option. Instead of ranting and raving about our guys’ night, put that energy to positive use and go out with your girls.

You Drink a Lot of Champagne - This could mean you’re too materialistic; too focused on status. The last thing men want is to be involved in a relationship where money and status is more important than anything else. What if we can’t make a buck? What if we don’t have the biggest house in our neighborhood? Will you want the guy in the huge house with a pool down the street? Your choice of beverage is painting this picture of our future life together.

You're Clumsy or Awkward - This says that our sexual compatibility is in question. When we’re up, you’re down. We try to connect because we’re attracted to each other, but something just seems off. If we’re not connecting on the dance floor, how are we going to connect in the bedroom? To increase flexibility and become more in touch with your body consider a dance or yoga class.

You Don't Eat Leftovers - This means you could be financially irresponsible. The truth is, your staunch refusal to eat leftovers goes far beyond being a little weird. Let’s put it this way… you’re throwing out food. So if you’re throwing out a necessary component for survival — where else are you choosing an “ideal” over a “this will do”?

Your Party Photos Are All Over the Web - If he sees your photos all over nightclub and party sites, he’ll think you’re a party girl and will be unable to settle down. It’s cool that you go to clubs. But there’s a difference between just going to clubs and being a club regular. It’s a recipe for disaster if you’re trying to hold down a relationship.

You're Short on Bridesmaids - This means you might be too needy, and we won’t be able to be independent of each other. First of all, having two sisters and one friend doesn’t count. When men see a lack of close friends in your life it is cause for concern. Will you get pissed off every time we want to hang out with our friends? Will you be latching onto us every time we’re out with each other?

You Get Dressed Up for Sporting Events - This could tell a man that you’re unable to adapt to different situations. Beware of how you dress at sporting events because if you send the wrong message your man may go running. If you’re more focused on looking “cute”, when everyone around you is dressed comfortably, it says you can’t relax. We have visions of waking up in the morning to grab breakfast with you pulling on the back of our sweats as we’re walking out the door saying, “You’re not wearing that, are you?” Ditch the fancy outfit and just relax.

You Complain Constantly - No man likes constant negativity, period. Negative attitudes can be the death of a relationship, especially when the other half naturally has a positive attitude. Everyone could, if they wanted to, complain about their day. There are good things and bad things that happen to all of us. When we talk to you after a hard day’s work, we don’t want to spend all our time consoling you and making you feel better. What about our day?

You Have Daddy Issues - Men assume that women who don’t call their fathers either have bad dads, no dads, or bad relationships with their dads. None of those perceptions work in your favor. Never pay so much attention to a guy that you forget about your family.

Weigh In!

Tell me what you think about these “mistakes”. Do you agree or disagree?

Pictures - KCB Micro Banking Rally, Nyeri

The professor's words

When  things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
When 24  hours in a day is not enough;
remember the mayonnaise jar.

A professor stood before his philosophy  class
and  had some items in front of him..
 
When the class began, wordlessly,
he  picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and start to fill it with  golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and  poured
it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again
if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
With an unanimous  'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the  table
and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed..

'Now,' said the  professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
 
The golf balls are the important things - God,  family,
children, health, friends, and favorite passions
Things  that if everything else was lost
and  only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --
The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar  first,' he continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf  balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy  on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that  are
important to you.

So...
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Wholeheartedly worship your God
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time
to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really  matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand
and inquired what the coffee represented.

The  professor smiled.

'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that  no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Please share this with other "Golf Balls"  

I  just did......

February,The Month of Love

2012 has already begun ticking away and we find ourselves in the month of February. When I think of February images immediately come to mind of pink and red hearts, Valentines, flowers and candy. This is the month of the year that has been dedicated to celebrating love.

If you’ve been in any store lately you are sure to have noticed this since before New Year’s. The large pink, red and white paper hearts swinging from the ceiling have been advertising that it is so. Boxes of Valentines, candies and everything that could possibly be made into a Valentine are on display begging to be traded for your hard earn shilling.

Many people celebrate their romantic love on February 14th, St. Valentine’s Day. This day is the popular day to set aside a time to express ones love for that special someone. Valentine’s Day has been celebrated since 496 A.D. Traditionally it is celebrated by the giving of candies, roses or greeting cards to express ones feelings for another.

I have never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day. What is it with Valentine’s Day anyways? It always feels like your “in” or your “out” on Valentine’s Day depending on your relationship status. All the hype and pressure to make the day so special just is exhausting to me. I’ll admit the big fan fare is romantic and exciting but to me it doesn’t mean as much as a simple and sincere “I love you.”

So I propose that this month of love be dedicated to all things worth loving. Think about it for a minute. What do you love? What makes you smile? What are the simple things that bring you an everyday happiness? Little things everyday causes us to feel this emotion we call love and enjoying them causes it to increase.

For me it’s the simple everyday things in life that make me feel loved. The sunrise, good music, a nice movie, a joke, good company, my love’s laughter and smile all make me feel this emotion we call love. So join with me this month as I try to focus on the everyday things that make this emotion of love feel so real.

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” Marcus Aurelius

Charm her Mind - Answered

Need some direction? Here are her suggestions on how to understand — and woo — women.
Q: What is the number-one mistake that men make when trying to impress women?

A: When men feel insecure, they sometimes compensate by acting arrogantly or being grandiose. As much as bragging about your car, house or big bank account might initially get a woman’s attention, it will soon thereafter be a major turn-off. Women like confidence and security, but they know that when those qualities are real, a man doesn’t have to throw them around for show to impress anyone.
Q: What else would you warn men away from doing?

A: Another thing healthy women find unappealing is when a man is too needy, i.e., grabbing for too much of her attention and affection. That kind of behavior communicates that there is not much else going on for him in terms of friendships or intimate relations.       

Q: But don’t many women want to be “needed” by men?

A: Sure, but there’s a fine line between “needing” a woman and being “needy.” No self-respecting lady wants to be the man’s “everything” in life! It is simply too much of a burden — and an impossible one to fulfill. If you want to find a loving, well-rounded, happy female partner, you need to be loving, well-rounded, and happy on your own and in your own unique ways as a man.

Q: How much does a man’s physical appearance count in terms of charming a woman?

A: Women value men who take care of themselves, just as men admire the same quality in women. If he eats well, exercises, and takes a little time to think about what he is wearing, it shows he has self-respect and honors the body that was given to him. The subtext of this behavior is: “I like myself enough to present myself well and make sure I have the energy to live life to the fullest.”
Q: OK, what would you say is the one way a man can charm any woman? What’s his best bet on that front?

A: First and foremost, nearly any woman loves an attentive man who values her thoughts, opinions, and feelings. You’ve probably heard it numerous times, but it’s the truth: Women want to feel heard and considered seriously by men. It’s not that a woman is just looking for someone to agree with her; she wants to know that how she approaches life has an impact on him, she she also wants to know that her ideas have been taken in and digested… hence, she matters and makes a difference in his life.

Q: May I play devil’s advocate and ask why then are so many women seemingly charmed by jerks?

A: Often, it’s a function of one’s personal psychology. Much of that kind of attraction has to do with being drawn to what hasn’t yet been worked out from someone’s childhood wounds or painful experiences. People are often attracted to the very thing that will bring up their old issues; it’s the wisdom of the unconscious pushing us to confront the things that need to be addressed and healed in our personal lives. In this case, the old “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse actually does come into play quite a bit.

Q: Interesting! Last question: There are some men that women are just instantly drawn to... what’s their secret?

A: There is nothing more magnetic to love than love itself. When a man loves his life, his friends, and his job, he is incredibly magnetic. Additionally, when he is as nice to the janitor as he is to the CEO of his company, he shows heart... and most women are always drawn to kind men; I believe it’s human nature. Ultimately, a man who is genuinely — and that’s the key: genuinely — attentive, considerate, kind and chivalrous will always be able to captivate a woman.

Why we fall out of love

We all know the delicious feeling of new love, but what about the flip side? Love doesn’t always last, and its retreat can leave us bewildered, confused or downright depressed.

Even if you were raised on a plentiful diet of fairy tales, you know that “till death do us part” can be a rare thing. Even staying with someone forever is no guarantee of experiencing lasting love. But why do people really fall out of love? Is there anything we can do to make love stay? Do some of us give up too easily? Here are the top three reasons why:-

1. A distancing “Wave” can topple a good thing if you let it. “The ‘Wave’ occurs when we unconsciously push a caring and available person away by inwardly diminishing his or her worth.” “When someone is available and decent,” Page explains, “something inside us knows [this person] can get to our nest, our soul — the place where we care the most and can be hurt the most. And our unconscious gets panicked.” If you find yourself breaking up with someone awesome for no good reason, check yourself; you might be acting out of fear. After all, real love is a big deal. It involves a leap of faith, and that can be a scary thing. Those who give in to the Wave fall out of love before they even give themselves a chance to fall properly in love, and that’s kind of sad.
2. Unwillingness to discuss relationship problems. OK, let’s say you’ve taken that leap and you’re in a long-term, committed relationship. Good for you! Now, don’t forget to communicate with your partner regularly. Guy Winch, Ph.D., author of The Squeaky Wheel:  says that people fall out of love because they don’t talk through their relationship peeves with each other: “Research shows that couples who are able to voice complaints well and discuss them productively have greater marital satisfaction and much lower divorce rates than couples who are unable to do so.” If you’re in a newer relationship, iron out the kinks early on to keep love alive over the long haul. “It is much easier to address issues earlier in a relationship than later, just as it is much harder to mold cement once it has dried and hardened,” explains Winch.
   
   The key word here, however, is “productively.” It usually doesn’t help to fight and blame your partner for all of the relationship’s problems. Dr. Fran Praver, author of The New Science of Love: How Understanding Your Brain’s Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship, says that “when couples play the blame game, they wage a war of being right where both parties lose. It may seem like a strong personality to insist on being right, but in fact ‘rightness’ is born out of rigidity and weakness, not strength.” Couples fall out of love when they can’t find a way to make the partnership good for both people involved. Creativity and open minds are the stuff of lasting love; silence and blaming, though? Not so much.
3. People change or get bored with each other.  “Over time, people can change — or more often, they become who they really are. Someone who loved his steady business career may suddenly realize he always wanted to be a stand-up comedian and throw caution to the wind to chase his dreams.” People evolve; circumstances change — and sometimes, relationships can’t be sustained as a result. But if you really know your partner down to the core, the changes won’t be as shocking. “The kind of change that leads to love lost is always about a buried desire to be someone that’s repressed inside,” continues Masini. “It’s important to really know your partner to avoid this lost-love syndrome.” In other words, don’t neglect someone you care about. You cannot get to know a person thoroughly right away — rather, it’s a lifelong journey. There’s a whole universe inside the person you fell for, and if you don’t check in with that individual on a regular basis, you could wake up one day hearing this: “I’m unhappy. I’m moving to another country to start my life over fresh, and you’re not invited.”
   
   If you find yourself perusing faraway rental homes and thinking, “He’s changed!” or “I’m just so bored with her,” think about holding on and digging a little deeper first. “At a certain point in a relationship, according to Imago Couples Therapy,” says Page, “each partner feels that the thing they most need from their partner is the very thing that their partner can’t give. At that point, many people feel that the relationship has run its course and they leave. The reality, however, is much different. This can be the beginning phase of an entirely new level of intimacy, if they each decide to learn to grow and try to give that partner what [he or she needs most].”
   
   Then again, love doesn’t necessarily have to last decades (or a lifetime) to matter. Romantic relationships can also evolve into dear friendships — and that’s perfectly fine. Dr. Lissa Coffey, author of the book, Closure and the Law of Relationship: Endings as New Beginnings, agrees. “We may come together for a certain period of time to help each other learn and grow, and when that has been accomplished, we’ve gotten everything we were meant to get out of the relationship. Then it changes,” Coffey explains. “It doesn’t have to end; it’s just redefined.”
   
   

Guide to Changing Your Thoughts to Shape the Life You Want

1. Make an appointment with yourself. Take a morning or afternoon off to think about your life. If this sounds scary to you, this is one of the first places to change your thoughts. This is fun. What you can dream, you can craft a plan to achieve. Find a quiet place with no distractions such as the library, sitting in your bed, or sitting in your car.

2. Daydream. During your appointment with yourself, think about areas in your life in which you want to make a change. Areas to consider:

• Business/Career
• Relationships
• Finances
• House & Home
• Physical Health
• Spiritual
• Leisure

3. Write Your Dreams Down. Write out what you want to change. Maybe there is only one area you want to change. Don't feel like you have to change everything. But if there is something that could improve the quality of your life, write it down. Don't worry about whether it is possible. Assume that anything is possible.

4. The Action Plan. For your top changes, write out some rough plans about how you could achieve those dreams. Break down the long term goal into monthly, weekly and/or daily things you'll need to do to get there.

5. Mentors. Who else has done what you want to do? Who inspires you? What can you learn from that person or those people? How do they think? How do they handle challenges? Write it all down. Let that person serve as a guide to how you work towards your dreams. Seek out these guides even if it is simply by reading someone's book or blog. Ask for help and guidance. You'll likely be surprised to find that when you ask most people will try to find a way to help you. Lastly, remind yourself every day that if your mentor can succeed, so can you!

6. The Reminder Poster. Use your creativity here. The idea is to create a poster of which you can make several copies to hang in key places such as your bathroom, bedside table, kitchen, car and desk. On the poster (any size you want) list your Dreams, your daily action plan, and the thoughts you want to cultivate each day. You can include quotes or other inspiration from your mentors too.Of course feel free to add pictures, color, texture, whatever makes it powerful for you.

7. Gratitude. Take a bit of time each morning to really appreciate what you currently have in your life that is good. In the evening take a bit of time to review your accomplishments and learnings from the day, either in quiet meditation, in a journal, or with someone who supports you. It can be a nice ritual to create with either a spouse, your children, or other person who is important in your life.

8. Believe. Believe in the power of your thoughts. Here are some examples of how powerful a thought can be. All of these great achievements by humans started with an idea or thought in someone's mind.

• Putting a man on the moon.
• Democracy.
• The incredible expansion of Dubai in just 7 years.
• Sailing around the world, four stories: One, Two, Three, and Four.
• Writing a book.
• Creating a movement to save the environment.
• Inventing the heart transplant operation.
• The pyramids of Ancient Egypt.

Where there's a will there is a way. To build your will, build your mind through strong empowering thoughts daily. The people who had the thoughts that sparked these achievements listed above, did not let doubt get in their way. And neither should you!

9. Take Action. Your thoughts and plans need to be combined with action to create a result. The focus on your goals and dreams will provide the energy and motivation for taking action. If motivation is lacking, don't wait for it to appear. Take action first and then watch your energy and motivation blossom! Take action on your goals everyday. Make them a priority by working on your daily goals before doing the mundane things of life.