One of my favourite things to do during my free time is hanging out with guy friends and talking about relationships. During these times, I can tap into their brains to find out what they do and don’t do in relationships. It is like being in PNU and getting secrets from an insider from ODM. I always end up learning a thing or two about the man versus woman dynamic.
To ensure that they do not hold back, I try to join such tribunals when there is a football game coming up. There is just something about sports and beer that makes men feel excited and relaxed.
This being football season in the U.S., I got a chance to put that strategy into practice when a friend and her boyfriend invited a bunch of men and women for an afternoon of nyama choma and football. (And yes, there are Kenyan women who can unleash sports statistics better than many men I know). The game was starting in the evening, leaving enough time for snacks and a lot of pre-game banter.
Weather
The discussion started on the regular safe topics such as the weather. The more the guys downed kinywajis, the more risquÈ the talks got. Before long, the discussion had turned to an interesting topic: Breakup lines people have used to get out of relationships. Who knew that Homo sapiens can get so creative when they want to dump someone in a cowardly way?
In between laughing and trying to keep my jaws from dropping, I was able to compile my favourite top five, which feature four lines from guys and one from a woman. Without further ado, let’s get started, shall we?
I want to stop sinning (read dating) and focus on God: Talk about using God’s name in vain. One of the guys actually claimed he told a woman that with a straight face. Did I mention the person who used this line was downing the biggest glass of Vodka? Obviously, pleasing God is no longer a priority for him.
I am moving to India: Nothing like a voyage to another country to make a woman agree to break up with you. I gave this guy credit for not making it more dramatic like the guy above. He could have chosen to say he was moving to neighboring Tibet to start a quest for spirituality with the Dalai Lama, but he opted to go low key and use India.
I have decided to stop having sex and practice abstinence: This would have been believable coming from a woman. But when a guy who is known for chasing skirt wearers tells you that he wants to suddenly practice abstinence, be very afraid, woman. What he means is he wants you out of his bed so that he can have access to many, many more skirts.
Hilarious
Wife in Kenya: Another masterpiece. This guy who used this one knows that women enter relationships with an endpoint in sight. If she finds out that getting that coveted bling on her finger is not an option, she is outta there. It does not take that long to convince them to stay. That said, this can backfire on you. There are women who can tell you "She’s in Kenya, I’m here, so let us make it work."
Overused lines
Regaining virginity: This I have to say is my personal favourite. One of the girls once told a man she was dating that she wants to stop being sexually involved because she wants to take a break and save herself for the man she was going to marry. It would have been commendable if it were true, but it was not. She knew that the moment she withdrew from sex, the guy would run like the wind. And he did.
The football game started, and the talks had to be nixed.
As we sat there watching fast, burly men scuttle across the field, I thought of other lines people use during breakups. They include overused ones such as: It’s not you, it’s me. I want to focus on my career. I want to spend more time with myself and blah blah blah. There was even a tale of a woman who told a guy she is a lesbian after he pursued her relentlessly. He tucked his tail between his legs, took off and never came back.
I have said this before in this column and I will say it again: People, tell the truth during breakups. And if you absolutely have to use a line to protect someone’s feelings, try to use something more believable — and less hilarious.
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